Holding my heart in,
small pond sweet suffering,
Pain like the last name tied like a rock round my neck.

Late night research,
short trite answers in webs.
Forming my own myths on human hypothesis, from demi-Gods nobodies know. 

Love for the dying, breathing in secret
deep under water, tread lonely laugh lightly, right over my head like the rest.
Because his master plan won’t fit inside my hands, I will wash off the blood that was shed. And if his master plan still won’t fit inside this head I will sing to myself in your stead.

Hold on

I've got nothing but miracles up my sleeves baby, 

never forget the power of living flesh, a moments breath.

Never forget these arms connect straight in to my heart. 

every very

These words are not what I want
and yet I want for what I have no words.
And oh how I've waited,
and waited
for the world to end
or for you to say something
or something, like this, but not this
God no

the feelings crack and roll
my ribs
my tongue
tangled all the way through you
through everything we loved and fought for
and life itself
a ticking time bomb
set inside my own dear heart.

My own dear heart
Do you read me? can you hear me?
Dear heart come in, come home,
come closer
I want to breathe you the fuck in
and swallow you whole
as if my life did not depend upon it
as if I did not live just for your every very beat.

I was already dead when I lay down on it
although maybe that started from the moment I drew my first breath and let it go.

You have to be cruel to be kind they said
I thought I should cry forever
but it made them angry and it only made the sadness more.

I took it deeper inside me than they could see
and here it sings sweet and beautiful and strong
yet trapped
so when I turn away
it's my own heart that I want to break not yours
I want to know how to set love free.