the heart is a magnet
Attracting & repelling life for like
for Love
forever
changing her mind, feeling, beating,
on off, in out, one two
boom boom
bleeding neat and needy
efficiently mystical
vortex of sweet want
I'm going to break you open myself
So I can get all the way back in.

"I think I think I think" ad infinitum,
is a zen koan
an illogical loop
leading the willing mind into it's perfect trap
smack bang nowhere
falling off the edge of reason
until you nothing and you like it.
xo

Okay

the video game of my body takes this familiar hallway like the opening credits,
on my way to register another log of discontent,
unraveling personal failure to conform real world into wishes.

The moment stumbles in my mind,
already the past, already forgetting,
wasting sweet time trying to explain a feeling that was never even mine to begin with.

Everything tangles so beautifully, take a photo, close and blurry:
profile; it's okay to be ugly to be wild to be dreaming and dying and to have just enough of a cold to make things uncomfortable.

To Make no Sense, no-one quietly knocking again and again. Whispering, Nothing is Everything, I love you but it's always going to be just like this.

Holding my heart in,
small pond sweet suffering,
Pain like the last name tied like a rock round my neck.

Late night research,
short trite answers in webs.
Forming my own myths on human hypothesis, from demi-Gods nobodies know. 

Love for the dying, breathing in secret
deep under water, tread lonely laugh lightly, right over my head like the rest.
Because his master plan won’t fit inside my hands, I will wash off the blood that was shed. And if his master plan still won’t fit inside this head I will sing to myself in your stead.

my legs are no longer my legs,
the backs back away from me, and yet I find myself still standing
albeit in unfamiliar ground.

Strange strong and light, legs of life living beneath me;
and Oh to step, to leap, to lift aways from gravity,
for good, but not forever. Nothing lasts forever

Dreams of healing

I keep trying to soften, move, heal this illness lodged in my throat but when I let go into it, I lose myself. Somehow it leads to that in-between place; Dreaming awake of realities other than this.

I can’t tell you much of that story, it isn’t mine to tell. The only thing I clearly remember is the shock that carries me back from that plane to this in a sudden spasm of simultaneous remembering and forgetting. 

It’s a feeling of grief that is bigger than all of us trapped in these stories. A grief so solid that I can not move through it, in fact I can not move at all. But something can something does and I end up back here, with the ache of that grief held fast where my wings might have been. 

Back here, Where I’m still hopeful there’s a key a clue, a secret to growing my wings back. Still looking for a way to really clear my throat, and tell you what I really mean. So I can let all the worlds know what truth we hide behind.

Beautiful yet confusing world

Lost in space
wandering in every direction at once and getting everywhere
But all tangled together
my mind spread open
spilling into another tab
a whole new window
a new profile
a new site
new connections
new problems
same old beautiful world.