Trying my little hard out
not to implode
Oh my heart, my squalid sacred heart squished so full it's breaking open
and
Looking for a quiet little corner of cyberspace to curl up and aspire.

I get my news from the river.

I let it show me how I hold myself against the world,
tensioning attention on an intention to let go.

surrendering every thought I put in place of living..

Ripples, currents and light reflecting miracles; sometimes they fly, sometimes they sing. 

No longer even trying to keep score of the way time moves. Now and then, dancing round each breath that I forget to make. 

dream sequence

The first thing I remember 
is the falling. 
But theres only so long 
you can fall for 
before you wonder 
if it must be something else? 
It seems I can’t even imagine 
space this big to fall through.

Because at this speed maybe,
It’s probably,
actually, 
swimming, 
downwards 
towards the light at the end of the tunnel. 
Cause Gee, If my subconscious likes metaphors
it's mostly well mixed. 

At this stage my drifting mind wonders about breathing, 
but all that time I thought we were falling for
It didn’t matter, 
So I swim on
Breathing underwater
All the way to the bottom of the sea.

I think I'm pretty much over you,
seeing finally all the way through us.
to where I forgot what I knew and what I felt for what you said.

I think of you more now out of habit than passion,
to resolve for myself the things I never got to say.

I will always play by the rule book, no matter the cost
Not because I am good, but because I wrote the book.

Moongasm

I don't so much boogie with the moon.
Our dance is slower paced, measured even, 
as the earth spins days into months, shifting gently underneath my moving feet.

I love her constant steady change, 
The whole way from fat to nowhere to be seen. 
But she’s always still there, dancing slowly, in and out of shadows and reflected light.

She knows for sure when she’s coming, when she’s going, 
Always circling the point. Predictable perhaps (once you know the steps), 
Yet mysteriously compelling, constant re-telling of heavenly bodies in love with flight. 

The moon is inside me, Emotion- as energy in motion, 
stills my beating heart, 
slowly slowly opening everything, 
graceful and glorious, 
rolling around my pelvic bowl, 
holy wholly stepping up and in and all the way out with faith and fate, 
moodily moving oceans in her dreaming wake.

humanity

And Then God Said
"I give up.
Tell me,
What will it take.
What can I do
to convince you just how much I love you?
Tell me if your ready to know
that you are the Love of my Life.
The Life of my Love.
You are my Love
made of blood and flesh to feel,
so tell me how I can help you feel it?"

The sound of silence

bouncing off electrons

tapping with my fingertips in space

a strange dance; shapes light moving to the silent music 

all saying nothing

all saying wrong

you were wrong all along

you'll always be wrong

and that's all right

it's going to take a while 

the business of busyness

occupying everything

This sentence of living and dying.

Second instincts

I kept falling deeper and deeper in Love
until I hit the bottom.
Now watch me rise in it, watch me fly.

the heart is a magnet
Attracting & repelling life for like
for Love
forever
changing her mind, feeling, beating,
on off, in out, one two
boom boom
bleeding neat and needy
efficiently mystical
vortex of sweet want
I'm going to break you open myself
So I can get all the way back in.

"I think I think I think" ad infinitum,
is a zen koan
an illogical loop
leading the willing mind into it's perfect trap
smack bang nowhere
falling off the edge of reason
until you nothing and you like it.
xo

Okay

the video game of my body takes this familiar hallway like the opening credits,
on my way to register another log of discontent,
unraveling personal failure to conform real world into wishes.

The moment stumbles in my mind,
already the past, already forgetting,
wasting sweet time trying to explain a feeling that was never even mine to begin with.

Everything tangles so beautifully, take a photo, close and blurry:
profile; it's okay to be ugly to be wild to be dreaming and dying and to have just enough of a cold to make things uncomfortable.

To Make no Sense, no-one quietly knocking again and again. Whispering, Nothing is Everything, I love you but it's always going to be just like this.

Holding my heart in,
small pond sweet suffering,
Pain like the last name tied like a rock round my neck.

Late night research,
short trite answers in webs.
Forming my own myths on human hypothesis, from demi-Gods nobodies know. 

Love for the dying, breathing in secret
deep under water, tread lonely laugh lightly, right over my head like the rest.
Because his master plan won’t fit inside my hands, I will wash off the blood that was shed. And if his master plan still won’t fit inside this head I will sing to myself in your stead.

my legs are no longer my legs,
the backs back away from me, and yet I find myself still standing
albeit in unfamiliar ground.

Strange strong and light, legs of life living beneath me;
and Oh to step, to leap, to lift aways from gravity,
for good, but not forever. Nothing lasts forever

Dreams of healing

I keep trying to soften, move, heal this illness lodged in my throat but when I let go into it, I lose myself. Somehow it leads to that in-between place; Dreaming awake of realities other than this.

I can’t tell you much of that story, it isn’t mine to tell. The only thing I clearly remember is the shock that carries me back from that plane to this in a sudden spasm of simultaneous remembering and forgetting. 

It’s a feeling of grief that is bigger than all of us trapped in these stories. A grief so solid that I can not move through it, in fact I can not move at all. But something can something does and I end up back here, with the ache of that grief held fast where my wings might have been. 

Back here, Where I’m still hopeful there’s a key a clue, a secret to growing my wings back. Still looking for a way to really clear my throat, and tell you what I really mean. So I can let all the worlds know what truth we hide behind.

Beautiful yet confusing world

Lost in space
wandering in every direction at once and getting everywhere
But all tangled together
my mind spread open
spilling into another tab
a whole new window
a new profile
a new site
new connections
new problems
same old beautiful world.

My dear sweet Sadness, 

Sadness that is mine alone, 

too rich and deep for sharing. 

All the things that can not be said, 

Clawing excitably inside me.

Sadness weeping gleefully at her own misfortune.

Poor Childish heart,

Broken, human, beating breath.

wanting to be tired out

full feeling needing bleeding

Silent, Holy, Living Heart. 

listening to the dreaming

You leaned in close as if you were trying to hear the song I told you I couldn't get out of my head. But suddenly all I could hear is your silence, and it is so deep and so sweet and so clear, I can still hear it now if I listen.

Hold on

I've got nothing but miracles up my sleeves baby, 

never forget the power of living flesh, a moments breath.

Never forget these arms connect straight in to my heart. 

mothing natters

I have to let myself go
over and beyond the call
of time tickling my outsides
laughing so hard, at how soft real life is.

however It is with not without sadness,
that I look out from this shell
Upon this beautiful mess of my soul
leaked across every fathom of space,
that I come to the conclusion
I probably never existed in the first place.

And yet even this sweet sorrow
for this small (no)thing I called myself
can console me
Personally and or transcendently
because really,
 Nothing matters
maybe it's the only thing that does.

all the things I must forget

I remember nothing,
The warp and the weave of it, the feel of it underneath my fingers.
I remember it exactly how I wanted it;
and how exactly it is.

Now when I try to find where I put down my keys,
my phone,
my life,
nothing consumes me.

And when you ask me how I am
I have nothing much to say.

xo