are you?

rhetorical 

something more

yet incomplete

the words worlds whirl all around

their letters trip and meaning rip new wholes 

in places I forgot to read

sentences that are not battle fields

The sense I can not afford to make nor lose

there is no space for full stops here

It's all me myself and you.

I was already dead when I lay down on it
although maybe that started from the moment I drew my first breath and let it go.

You have to be cruel to be kind they said
I thought I should cry forever
but it made them angry and it only made the sadness more.

I took it deeper inside me than they could see
and here it sings sweet and beautiful and strong
yet trapped
so when I turn away
it's my own heart that I want to break not yours
I want to know how to set love free.

un-here

small moments 

watching

waiting

time inching

slowly across my face

weighing on my mind

dragging my own thoughts

deeper than my tongue can reach.

Raw and hungry

needing to want more

no place like home

a broken home

you can never go back too

a gaping hole

un-holy truths trapped unheard 

tied up with words I could never really mean

Here is where you touch me

and turn my head with whispers 

torn of my own heart

I listen spellbound

as you speak

pieces of my mind, like I give you

like this

I turn away because I can not face myself. 

So this is how it is
we talk like this
haltingly, hauntingly
echoing ideas
halfheartedly
trying
not to complete
the thought i didn't have
and wont
because it is too beautiful
it will blow your mind
into littler pieces
than this.

in other news, there was nothing of substance to hold on to
and here, in this body
I am lost
each breathe escaping my grasping hands
bubbles of a life I once thought was mine.

a sweet and lonely sensation
as the mermaids song sinks right through me
convincing me that science is probably wrong
and I can breathe water if I want to.

I thought I could make them love me
that you could keep my heart safe from myself.

Maybe you mistake me for someone else

In the end there's nothing left to say
that I haven't already said
and the truth is that no body cares
least of all me
about the colour of my eyes
or why I am sad.

Nobody cares, least of all me,
How I don't believe I can have what I want;
and maybe I don't even deserve it.

Why does it matter why?
I grow impatient with my own questions
and tears of self indulgent pity
Because I am tired,
and I would rather speak with the beat of my heart
than whisper with my fingers
tracing my minds circles through space.

Photo

fettering fleeting thoughts

I'm sorry that I take all this time,

I hide it under my bed

while I dream up

what I can tell you;

how words might fit
(like a captured photo)

to these things that rush right through me.

and so I lay careful traps in my own mind

where I wait,

hoping to catch my own drift.

to make it worth our while

to think at all.

The one of Us

bumping into myself in all the wrong places

and I'm sitting here staring into the faceless glow of our quiet communion

muttering to myself and I search for the meanings I want you have

so that maybe you can help me feel this

wrong just right

just a strange bird scratching in the sand

my awkward song

of hungry sighs

and hopeless loads of Love

Amoral Prude

Oxyfuckingmoron

still both too late and too early

but the fact that I flinch is more reflex than choice.

I understand what I want to hear

and want it to mean everything

to everybody

but mostly I just want you 

all of you absofuckinglutely.

I want to speak clearly once if only to myself here

how this feels

Hashing over questions I doubt I'll ever have the nerve to ask

like wondering, since I am already old

how in hell I'm going to ever grow up.

all the better to see you with

Even in the mirror I Can not be sure
which is mine,  who is me?
This face they accuse me with stares back
trapped in glass, cold to my touch
synchronised sinking
listening close to every word you never told me
in the middle of the night
leaking lost thoughts
wanting always this falling
into deeper dreams of you

a meeting in a passage

time holds out her hands 

touching me

all over nowhere

proving nothing

thrusting with life

unready and willing

whiling away souls already spent

taking each breath away. 

break my own back

my hands reach down

pressing hard into the earth my feet forgot

re-assesing both up and down

as my heart swells with the lightness of empty space

until I'm not so sure about holding it all together

how I worked so hard to make it hard

and now I want that softness back. 

The truth is

the truth is a whore
but theres nothing wrong with that
only your own hatred
for yourself
for the small price
of wanting
more than you think you deserve.

as I lay on the earth

The blue blue sky spread like open blanket all about

snuggling the curve of my hip against the grassy mounds

with my eyes closed and my ears open the whole world gathers closer than my own empty skin

holding me here in the soft gooey centre of everything

as the birds sing and the wind caresses me right over the edge of this mortal dream.

I wanted to tell you

so long the words sit heavy unsettled
under my heart beat
 a music
unspoken
because
I know
And as you can see
I can hardly put two words together
and as for sentences
I never understood
why they always have to end
leaving such finality
in their wake.

a beautiful death

Don't tell me how a poem is

with your spelling all correct 

and syntax in context 

all lined up (ducks in a row) in deep and meaningful order.

Here the tides are always turning

this way and that, sleepless

as the earth falls from my shoulders,

feathers twisted, into open space.

too many descriptive words

and superlatives

weighing down

how I feel

 about breathing underwater.

I come to your funeral

crying out to death

come out, come out,

embrace me

I am only and always absolutely for you.

because we all must die

Perfections toll eating acid like my empty shell of a heart
a heart still echoing the beat of one hand clapping
clapping for you for everything you've ever done
laying me out, next to you
under the earth
to a death worthy of this only Life.

We were dancing to everything
relentless as the waves that break and burn as the world turns
wearing me out, falling me down
tearing love itself apart.

Legacy of time leaning out to hold us,
these growing years
ticking down to this old moment
rolling over my naked soul
all I ever am
most finally okay with me.

the curve of remembering

And when I opened my eyes they were all right there again

staring as if it were my own wake at which I have awoken

(and maybe it is)

and yet the loneliness remains

no longer a ravenous beast who would devour me

just a boy who has lost his father

a shadow with good reason not to trust the light

in this storey wrote beyond it's happy ever after

until everything I'm wanting to forget forgo's me

And I want all of it right back, like life wants you. 

God Crush

how easily I turned with the world dancing under my stumbling feet

like a skittish horse, believing in my own myth

but never really knowing what I wanted to begin with.

Hungry for the weight of reasons I could never bear,

to hold me in the way of what God never would.

to know how good wrong could feel

and be scarred by the light

of what omnipotence really means 

We can start again,

each second another chance for loves heart to beat, 

life deep and sweet 

pressed into this skin 

wearing 7 billion faces

each and every none of them like me

Maitreya

Late the words move to align themselves about me
because even in the silence I never ceased to hear you sing
I still look for you in my dreams you know
when we meet there sometimes, you are the same friend
I guess I never really allowed myself to know.
Now winters coat is losing her feathers, as we don't speak.
And when the loneliness comes I'm glad she's finally here

uncomunication

The silence reaches out from inside me

turning my head, dropping my eyes from your gaze

where I have already drowned.

and it is still then,

although doubt fills the empty space I once called Love;

Good and right and hopeless as only God can be. 

Please prove a Robot

You will see
times face turning, arms swinging
too tired not to sing
these quiet love songs
words that mean nothing
but everything
I want you too feel
the poetry for yourself
of yourself
everything connected
always all ways
patently paitently incorrect
just like me.

Love threats

Get it all wrong
Be alright anyway.


Don't tell me love is just another word;
the only reason we have words give voice to this thing that posses us.
And we never will, not all of it, not completely
because if we could it wouldn't be Love. 
Not really. 

Be What you want

I know what I want
And I have what I want
Because I am what I want.

Life's betrayal

breathing sleeping dreaming in

my body breaking 

sorry

for all the mess

the sounds and the smells too close to be my own anymore

desire itself

of and for being 

here and there 

and everywhere

as you kiss me 

and my skull caves in.

Deaths Ghost

lurching through hallways
The wheels go clunk
and everything
I do wrong
is wrong
an unforgivable unlovable feeling
of my immeasurable sadness
closing her fingers around my heart
sure at last
of the one thing
I never wanted to know.

Godless Promise

Let me fall down
and my heart break
so that the world can get all the way inside me.
Let me let go of holding on
and sadness frame this grief
without your name.

And I will love the life of my death
all the way back from eternity to you,
to the time the clocks will never tell
disordered perfectly
as if nothing always happened
just like this.

till death himself grows old

And if there was anything I could still say and still mean it 

Heaving heart to grasp a hold of everything I could ever want

If I could pause the world and show you how to feel 

deaths gentle hand fingering through, the things I believed

insistently echoing that first breath again and again

Riding the ravishing tiger of time right through me.

embodyment

I want you to listen to my silence
and to intone it into everything you say.
I want to feel your Love
patient and warm, underneath my own skin.
I want the air that you breathed me,
gushing untrammelled down my throat
I want your song pouring silken from my lips
I want you to know how I love you
how it breaks my heart
sweetly and completely
into this
commune - ity
of open soul

photo: nature owns my soul-  Disturbed MaveRick

knowing nothing

You say you understand and you probably even think that it's true,
But you don't, you don't.
You really don't.
And until you know that;
you never will.

Incomplete madness

Let me Be the Sea


sweetly slowly sadly she smiles looking straight through me

and I reach out to touch her but the world turns between us 

 time roars through the hallways, 

carrying whispers of the voice of reasons death

the Birds still sing and the sun still shines anyway.

but the moon drags heavy in the shadow of gravities mistakes

longing for loneliness 

the onlyness 

that marks true love obsolete

dark matter drifting, deep asleep, through intimate space

letting her hair down with shaking hands that know too well how feeling means

as we must know the salt of the earth

then please

let me breathe the sea.

 

image : Matt Wisniewki

God's Quandary

My heart was heavy
and the rain falls wet
shared to shed the tears that tear my soul to empty shreds.
and I wouldn't care to think it
but yet I am
And so the storm blows over once again.

My heart is too happy
I can not hold this feeling still
it shifts and changes before I know it's form to fill.
whispering if only;
If you love at all
then never let this be enough.

let me be the rain

I was hungry for the sunlight
and to flow with the ocean tide
remembering God's fragile promises
of agile butterfly wings
floating through these wet dreams
of falling.

you reach out with your gaze,
with the light in your eyes,
I felt the fire in your soul.
but when I melt;
if I am water
you can not hold me.
Dripping from your fingers,
you must drink before I fall away.

Crashing into the moon

Crashing into the moon

like I don't care

that we all will die

I care about the heat of the night around me

but not about the fear that rattles my own chest

maybe you saw me crying, 

or was it the ocean was leaking out of my miracle eyes again.

It doesn't matter what I want

it isn't enough. 

Photo by Ulrika Kertere

The secret I don't know

If I could tell you anything
or just one thing
about everything
in a word
it would be
God.

But it wouldn't be just the word
it would be all meaning
and all feeling
all time
power, awe and grace
it would be Everything and nothing
and then some more

Ma Earth

Tonight i make love with gravity
Resting back into the embrace of the land that birthed me
Deep earthly sleep 
Dreaming made solid
Yet eroding all unfounded faith
Crumbled in dirt
And the dust to which we return
Softened with sweat and with tears
Ripened with blood
The warm mud squeals I between our toes
Sometimes life is dirty 
Always under our feet
Stable yet spinning
Lushness of the earth
How will we grow tall but by bowing down to you. 

Going Godly

"For the Love of God

& all wondrous flying things

turning my head

and filling my heart 

With Awe

because when I allow myself 

to feel alone

he presses closer

that I dare to breathe." 

blind disbelief

sometimes I can not bear to think about God

 Eternally  alone

both deep within everything while also infinitely elsewhere

And instead I believe

In anything or nothing

So I don't have to look him in the eyes

or fear my soul belongs to something else.