talking large

Feeling everything unfolding
A brand new now
riding on a peacock
because Life is awesome
God in the palm of your hand
because the sky touches you everywhere she can
trawling stars through cyberspace
inside your own broken soul
at the leading edge of the universe
this is it
Threshing against your smallness
How you will die
But God is Here just for you

once upon a kundalini

the serpent inside me whispers "repent"
coiling her supple limb around and about the space I never knew I had
hissing as she rides the breath here and back
sliding through the rainbow
shedding patterned scales of truth
crumbs on the trail
lure for the birds
singing pure truth
building our own myth
stretching out of my spine
letting these roots hold me here
still sorry
but for now and never forever again

Walangari Karntawarra "Colours of the Rainbow Serpents"

uncommon courtesy

And the earth rallied around us,
materially mired in the heart of desire.
thinking we could get it, make it, be all right
as if it isn't quite, as it is.

fallen angels crying out in our sleep.
"Lord if one of us has to be wrong, please let it be me"
as if, if it wasn't, then there wouldn't be much use in praying,
or wishing for anything or everything at all.

Everything I ever wanted today 

eyes lie

if I could tell you my secret it wouldn't be a secret anymore.

If what I want is wanting then wanting is what we'll have.

the cynical optimist binding the truth beneath the way I feel. 

The beauty behind my closed eyes opens into this

the stillness inside the song 

dancing to hoofbeats of silences passage

 passing through ever ready time.

Ride with me here 

Past the edge of tears already fallen 

answer the sweet sweet call of my empty heart, (still so tender)

broken open to let more of you in.

Rough Love

I've been meaning to tell you

the taste of my tongue

against the width of your smile

secreted inside my crooked teeth

How even if I did bite of more than I could chew

I'd swallow you whole if I have to.

never truth

The words were all over me
creeping through the spaces in between my fingers,
and sticking my tongue to the roof of my mouth.

The layers of meaning roared across the surface where only silence stood still,
echoing memories of something I once dreamed
not quite as beautiful as this.

Grounded with this butterfly pin you stuck in my back
stabbing my eyes with your hungry pain
soft with the song of the never truth, that I can't say.

playing the game

My life snuck up on me

she put her hands over my eyes and said guess who?

That was 30 odd years ago, 

and I'm still blind 

and guessing 

hoping

maybe it's you.

xo

murdering the musical

You have the right to remain silent, but then again you could also burst into song.

all along

And in that moment I knew,
I didn't need to GET what I wanted,
because I already had it,
 already was it,
 and I'd just been pretending like all of you.

everythings fine

All the things that we say,
and the thoughts that we think
the wishes I never even wanted to come true
Everything that might have happened
falling into that same black whole
that beautiful smooth darkness
where it all began
the curve of your face
touched with love itself
more than time could ever tell
exploding in slow motion
losing forever
An elephants tears
for we remember nothing
and to this we shall be true.

it's about time

can I be wrong?

maybe this is a conversation

stretching text across every silence

listening to every restless turn of meaning

but the moon is gone now

and the clouds are not as warm as to hold as I dreamed they might be

I tried to tell you, I would lie to save you

pushing the tides back against your peeling flesh

with every word I knew

with the look in my eyes

with the beat of my heart 

as I set my soul on fire 

and dance with my arms wrapped around deaths hollow shoulders

that I feel right now 

how much this is. 

The best seats in heaven

One look at the night sky
                             at all that light
                          scattered across spaces
              bigger than you can begin to imagine
   And I Believe.
                         I believe there is a God,
                                            he has a plan,
                                               and it is beautiful,
                                                           and this is it.

Odd Cowgirls get the blues

but we also get the oranges, the greens the pinks and.., you get the idea no?
Ready to jump on the rainbows back
tuck it under our belts and ride it all out
words like hoofbeats kicking dust in our eyes
because we don't want to be like those other girls
denying the war we all feel.
leave the counting for the sleepers, this is frontier here,
Why don't we grow up?
it's hard to come down from the sway of the elephants back underneath us.
              when do cowboys become cowmen?

Even Cowgirls

Grabbing the bull by both horns
everything you want and exactly what you don't
wrapped up together, skin tight in a tantalizing temptation of you.
Excited by the smell of fear, if the rumours are true
if the cow could jump over the moon, just as she slips over our horizen .
 maybe it's bull, but jump on board
and ride it or let it ride you.

Abhaya

The Goddess takes my face in her hands
And tenderly turns me back, head on
into the wind.

"You don't have to worry about the weather" she whispers,
        placing the beating heart of life into my own two hands
             "or anything
             else
                for that matter".

every little bit of you

this grief sits heavy at the feet of my soul,

 and fear stirs butterflies all the way through me, 

                         but it's the beauty, 

the love 

and the miracle of it all 

that feels as if it must break my heart 

into 6 billion little pieces of you. xo

Love is always lonely, hungry and wild.

Love is always lonely
always hungry and wild.

She walks the streets at night, looking for a heart that's big enough to hold her in
and fill her up,
For the one thing that makes her forget everything else there is yet still to Love,
Like this

keep smiling

If your not my friend anymore then you never were. 

I can't see the darkness for the light.

Awkward Pause

And nobody said anything
because they were all frogs
and the witch was dead
But now there wasn't any way to change them back.

Something else

To stretch a short story long
it was late, I was tired,
you were bored, i was restless,
The tall and the fat of it,
the fiction behind the truth
The things we want so much to believe
that it's almost real
almost more beautiful than I could bare
but if you bear with me
maybe
everything is,
if not all right, at least halfway here
as if God himself could change
For this thing called time,
or for what you call good.

The problem with omnipresence

The lover inside crawls closer,
gasping in between my own breath.
Sweeter, slower, softer,
kinder than would break God's heart;
How will you ever feel my presence,
unless you also know how it feels if I am not here?

And just like that

I decided
That I wanted you to Love me So much
That I would do it for you.

something for nothing

once upon a time there was nothing, and now theres this.

And the hundred billion stories

orbiting the lights in mother earths starry skies

and while gravity sucks

she understands so much more than reason

how deep it is,

falling right through the centre of everything

why I'm standing on my head now

to prove it all

might be all right

if God just Loves it so. 

Pictures of Pieces

And there was so much that I couldn't see,

it was hard to imagine what what I could see could be.

There was so much I never wanted you to know,

I didn't know how to begin to speak at all.

Things I thought you already knew

It wasn't that I didn't feel it, it's that I felt so much there was no space left for words.

Moving pictures

There comes a time when you have to accept that maybe the whole picture is way bigger than you could even imagine, little own understand.

And you realize that in your grasping desire to see the whole thing at once, you've been missing the beauty of the smaller picture, the one that your standing in right now, breathing

Things worth repeating

Even things that do not breed or breathe still have their secret life.

Love forever xo

The lies that you stole from me, you can keep
I dont need you to know just how simple the truth is.

When too crazy isn't mad enough

You've given up second guessing the truth
times hands constantly moving,
waving you on and in
the latest model of insanity
wearing you out
on her armband of anything goes
like this.

I try to tidy my mind,
from the outside in,
But the world turns inside me
making this mess
with words that once meant something
panting to get no point across
it's softness I'm after
and I never was the sharpest tac.

On heat

Walking through the fire of your faith
in what you can not believe
and everything I'll never prove
the lust of eternity
turning into ash
if it can't burn you.

signals deny this house on fire
The smell of smoke sticks
following the dancing shadows
alight with the passion
too clever to catch
too hot to manhandle
But I am a woman
ready heady yet steady
on Love.

the human animal

Almost a horse,

not quite a scapegoat

dreaming of a different me

and the documented proof

of how we flew.

fleshing out feelings

in between the black and the white

lines of lies

we tell ourselves

to calm our minds

from what her closed eyes see.

floating delicately 

crossing hooves and heart

no longer need to hope to breathe

dancing across this mind

never forget there's animal Inside 

besides me.

Pieces of us

The air between us thickens sticky in between my fingers

grip slipping 

sweating the stuff that makes this up

all the things I tried to say

 the way I moved my body

wearing away

time against the stones

of mountains reflections

If I reach my arms out like this theres nothing can escape me

I can hold your dreams in place

but I wont let you 

believe me. 

arguments with robots

It's time I said something
about the fog and the blood,
The need for sleep,
and ache in my side gently reminding me I'm alive.

They said it's nice to have someone to talk to
but this isn't talking, not a conversation with robots.

But my weapon isn't what I think, It's the way I move through space
It's the look I saw in your own eye, and the whole dream sequence I lived and learned through.
It's my willingness to not make sense and mean it.

Here you might hear fingers figuring figments in space
limiting meaning not only to your own imagining or mine,
but something inbetween, (which apparently isn't even a real word)
 and way beyond,
where the laws of grammer don't matter,
because it's not about understanding
its about what I said.

Too Easy

Don't tell me I don't care,  I guess you have your reasons to forget me

It wasn't Love at first sight, you were impulsive both soft and sure in a way I may never get.

I'm over-thinking, my overwrought, slow boiling heart swelling crush on you.

That's how I roll, uphill with the wind in my hair,
 but I doubt you even saw me move at all.

I still Love the way my heart pounded when I called you, 

To prove I'm alive, 

 talking through the devil magic to leave un-criptic messages, 

of what may just be too little a little too late.

I sometimes blame the universe,
but she is bigger than such small things as my empty heart.

The earth carries me regardless if the hand I holds my own, 

Dragging soul through soil to uncover the root that sways the heart of men.

And the women who lie with flowers, maybe they deserve your love.

while I flounder trapped in the arms of grace,

trying to explain just how connected everything is.

The war on reality

Take up your imaginary arms and fight,

Heed the call of the wild inside the breath you can't quite catch

of the future you thought you'd never dare to dream of.

Strangle the automated answers that stick in your throat, 

lash your tongue against the very idea of truth 

and bare your teeth to the facts stripped of the flesh that formed them.

Cut off your own head to prove how much you care

Sharpen your senses, till you feel more than you think,

and know that six is the smallest number of impossible things you must believe in.

Putting Anti-matter into a jar for later,

The context is containment,

because they don't own your soul 

(just maybe you don't either).

For want of wanting something to fight for,

it's a life that worth living 

even if it is a lie.

the story so far

it started long before I was born
before my grandmothers crawled in the dust as babes
and the chimps that looked up to stare in wonder at the open sky
to reach up their hands to see if we could touch it
and wrap this coat of space around our naked skin,
eating dirt, we take and make the earth inside us
so that it couldn't be all wrong
still I'm not sure it will ever be alright again.

Not like a rock star

Sure I set my soul on fire myself
orbiting this light alive
my heart implodes like it doesn't know what solid means.

not rock, just Ice and dust,
hanging out,
like a bad omen
cooling the tail of Mc Naught
because without this darkness who would see the light?

Comet McNaught.
Photo by John white

aloneliness

Folded my body
into half of your soul
twisted the truth around my shoulders
like a cape a superhero might fly with
and now here I unfurl my patience
against your self-hatred
it was never me,
or you,
just us tangled hearts and hands
across spaces that were never between but inside
this mind divided
to the holy we
but I miss how close I imagined we might feel.

The rules

learning to love the loneliness

that drips from my finger tips

 and rolls down the lines that life drew in my sand box

because 34 years is enough to know better

how I'm tired

and salt is the taste of sweet sadness

who is my heart

right now

ready to break,

into nothing,

if you'l let me be.

interspace

The broken horizon steps away from my unmoving feet,
the earth turns heavy in my sleep.
My eyes fill and flow with the tides of you,
of what I could not see
The foundations of feeling
falling in this steadfast gaze.
because all I desired was desire itself,
and it tastes so good
and it makes me fat
to hold my ground against the winds
that wind time herself in knots
to worry if it's real or what
but I'm here
and if you put your hand against my chest
you might feel my heart beat,
you might give me reason to breathe.

Nevertheless

I wanted to believe in more,
but I have to feel it all inside me first.
You move too fast around me,
The hands reaching out to hold you pass right through,
The lights blur the music fades to a quiet moan.
Deserving everything sticking like glitter
To the roof of my mouth
On a bad day
How nobody knows if this is for real.

Crash Hot

Crushed

by the weight of my own skin

it's hard to dance in wooden pants

turning round fallen trees

on moving ground

the earth around us sings 

of things

I said I'd rather not but did

because we can't believe 

That God would mess this up 

to prove he didn't Love me. 

So that I can tell hunger from thirst.

Done the hours of careful deliberation
of midnight whispers calculated against the sleepless hours
now I think on the go,
I heave my heart into my mouth again and again
against all odds
to make you see
it doesn't matter
just open your mouth and believe.

who wants to be saved forever?

I tried to hard
but at least we ain't dead yet
now I will only say, what comes quickly and with out conjecture
even if I don't know what that really means
cause if we keep moving,
 they'll be no time like the present
they'll just be the present
and nobody,
nobody can save us now.

The place where thoughts go to die

deeper than how you dream to mean it,

we wear these skin and bones away

not growing up nor old, 

time moves around 

but there are things those hands will never touch,

like you touch me,

and wanting, 

More.

This That I Live and I die for

The Words this tongue cant twist to sound

even if I did mean it,

everything I know and nothing

feeling the way

this oxygen you call life is simply fuel

on fire.

unlovely

Maybe none of us deserve to be loved, but I can't help but feel what I feel.

When the worst comes to the worst, we keep moving.
Things change, the hands on the clock keep moving back to now and again.
And everything I wanted feels closer than what I have.

Maybe I am unlovely, but I'm not going to let that stop me loving you.

The girl who knew everything

didn't know she'd grow into a woman who wished she knew nothing at all.

And how not being afraid to die, wasn't the same as not being afraid to live.

And I still don't understand anything,
I still want you more than I can bear.

image by Sarolta Ban

what went wrong.

I'm sorry that I can't be sorrier.
Sure I lied, but everyone did, it's how we survived.
We didn't even really know we didn't know, what the truth is.
It wasn't fair, but maybe one day it will be.
I didn't know what I wanted, but now at least I know it isn't this.

De Ja You.

If I only know one thing God, Please let it be you.

not so good at conversation

You might not understand
how the sky is talking to me
making anything I could say seem so little and so bland
you might not notice how the air rushes to be inside us
eroding with each breath a little more soul.

But I do, and thats why I can't make the sense that you want
Why I don't have a full attention to give you.

infinite funk

heart yawning bigger than the God Damn sun
dramatically dreaming that I didn't deserve
heaven on a stick
revolving around and about me
sticking in between the spaces in between the spaces
of all of this
thats why it makes such perfect sense
To dance.

Faith

How can I get where I'm going when I'm not sure if it even exists?
     I keep walking, but the earth turns against the momentum of gravity.
Saying this is real,
                           and watch your step girl.

   I lost sight of the horizon a long time ago now
     And the scenery waltzes by so slow and sweet it breaks all my feelings into more than I can chew.
        

This isn't poetry, this is a mess.
        falling down and about cause I've got nothing left to stand by.
  What good is your map when I don't want to know which way is up?
  

The Master Plan

Can you Forgive God for making me so stupid that I could believe he got this all wrong?

Stuck suxs

The love that I feel inside, I don't really know how to let it out.

Answering to nothing

As soon as I try to say what I feel the words wont keep up with the heart that thumps.
Broken for you to remember me always, incomplete.
 The cross references crucify my own drifting mind.
Where theres too many voices to hear myself think straight.
So here we go again, yet here we are.

drunk Dialling

I can still smell your aftershave

and I want to hate you
but I don't
so I just cry
because I want to believe you could love me
but I don't
so why should you?

Everything counts

the taste of loneliness  coats my tongue with wax

and these words roll

like water of a ducks back.

 the space under my fingernails filling with grit again

The stains on the carpet spread

not like her legs, no legs at all,

because  you can't stand to look at me now.

I wait inside for the tears that don't come

counting everything

 I tried, I keep on trying ,

And nothing keeps on changing

And nothing stays the same

but the taste of aloneness thats sweeter than you know.

if it doesn't matter make it

And in that moment I knew more than I could ever explain.

How the world no longer turned underneath us 

it turned into us, 

 and It turned me on.

Each atom reeling in this dance of light

through all my dreams, and inbetween the spaces in my soul

matted with meaning,  more than truth could bear to tell.

It felt so big that even Love itself might hurt,

 and God singing from inside me

how even If I could fail, 

even that was how we might succeed. 

Until sweet heavens sweat falling around us

soaks through all my senses 

turning tricks again

to make this more real

where what I want matters

 Not just to be happy, 

I said, 

 "I want it all".

The difference between us

I feel you, clutching at the air inbetween us,

and I wish I could be there for you to hold me.

But if I was out there, I couldn't be here inside your own heart now could I?

introspectively out there

I'm sorry I could never really see you past my own face.

The way I feel right now, 

as if it wasn't my heart,

 it was the world that was breaking.

And my own soul feels like you, 

calls out through this mess of me I'm swimming in.

Pulling me deeper under my own skin, 

To this sweet insubstantial place inside of everything.

Photo by Kirsty Mitchell

dreams are real

yesterday when I lay down, I was running away, like I always do, and yet there I was,  falling down, into my own arms, loving it. The need to escape from the need to escape, the circularity of all reason, to bring me back down, because if gravities not here then where then? 

I wrote it across the inside of my forehead and tattooed his name on the back of my hand, so I wouldn't remember what I wanted to forget. Like an elephant, fumbling, feeling my way, through the blindfold, larger than life itself, never quite able to sense the whole thing at once.

And all these other planes of consciousness catching my drift, and the miracles that didn't happen to me,  impossibly plausible excuses for living like I am. And all these choices I couldn't face to make, or wake to something other than this constant re-arranging my of molecular structure,  twisting through my DNA, to prove I never cared anyway, or do I?  

Image by Alex Stoddard

deniable plausibility

Heres What I never should say,

what the words won't fit

and the feelings turn to ash,

heres the rush of wanting

and all the things I didn't want that happened anyway;

everything that makes no sense.

From this perspective there is no size at all,

all dots connected in this blurry image of God.

Do you think those night mares pause for the laws of grammar?

steam rolling over the point, to think of something else

Because it always has to be all or nothing,

omni-god-damned-potent

And I tightened my soul like a fist against 

the will I didn't know how to deal

And in this web

I struggle 

knowing it's useless

and beautiful

and I want no choice at all.

another planet

Trust in me, he smiles
shaking my own hand
behind my own back
I haven't been gracious
because I didn't know how
But seeing as gravity has me pinned here
I guess i'll admit it's been fun.

I get it

I'm not waiting for anything
anymore
or any less
everything whispers
a constant roar
of worlds turning
of secrets burning
because when destiny called
she used my own voice against me.

inanimate objections

Everything's fine here,
I'm just talking to the wind.
I hear your questions, but the problem is I know all the right answers
aren't always the true ones.
And you wouldn't understand,
because I don't.
how fine that line really is.

I wanted to say more
But this is what happened
I wanted to keep it real,
but it twisted in my own mind
so I no longer recognise my own hand here.
I want to be seen like you do
But not here, not now, not like this.

Don't worry, be happy.

Maybe this end of the world is exactly what we've all been waiting for,
maybe then we can get on to something better.

Onlyness

Would the real me please sit down.
I'm tired of standing up for something I'm not sure I can believe in.

I'm sorry If I sound cynical
I am
but thats not the real me.

I just want you to know, that the only thing I know about Love is You.

If this isn't God's plan then whose? It sure as hell doesn't look like mine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm just ready to stop pretending I'm in Control.

if God really is my co-piolet he's got no sense of direction.

even the flames of hell cast light.

that moment when the fire first breathed you in
charring your edges, seasoning your soul with smoke
you didn't know how hot this is
nor how much of you there is to burn
yet in those flames you saw the face of God
and from that light you can not turn away.


I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you
Which shall be the darkness of God. . . .
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. 
— T. S. Eliot

All the way to infinity

The clouds ride lightly over my softly sloping shoulders,
From a head bowed not with shame,
but reverence for how fragile this is.


But Love,
your Love carries me with a quite fury fuelled by gentle chaos,

Until I'm forced to admit,

that it was never my fault, nor even my choice,

and maybe I can leave the rest to God

Iknowyouare

You Say "easy" like it was an insult.
But I know it's just because it's not so easy for you.

hand of God

Reaching deep through everything I was he touched my soul so that it burns like fire,
and Like a puppet with his heart inside me,
 squeezed the very life from all the secrets so small I could never understand.

God I know your here somewhere....

What I meant,

what you thought,

how I feel,

like I had to break something

and I'm banging my soul on this brick wall

so theres no doubt that it's hard.

The unsecret proof

If we believe it hard enough could we make the world flat again. I so want to fall off the edge of it with you.

Hungry

To be honest I prefer the ache of this wanting,
than choking on the bones of you I could not swallow.

Photo from here

Be careful what you want for

I don't get it,
I'm not sure that I want to get it,
But I hate how your so sure you do.

Why I'm not afraid of dying for this Love

still I use this dull knife 

to cut under the skin

to see if I can't find some space for that despair

that gave you such certainty that God was Wrong.

But all I find is more blood.

Constant Movement

And In that moment, I remembered

how to feel

gravity

no longer pulling me down

but holding me here

not just feet on the earth,

but a part of it.

And I felt the majesty of our constant turning

riding this life, astride your steady back, (my open thighs)

through time and space

to this moment again and again

forever

glowing remnants of exploding stars

where nothing is certain

and certainly not I.

Image : Carefully broken pebbles, Andy Goldsworthy

mine-never-mind

There's a thousand different voices inside my head
Looking for the one true God,
Or anything to believe in.
They're shouting
"Think Louder"
because I can't feel if this is real or not,
but maybe all of them are wrong.

Image" It's all wrong"  from here 

It's kinda funny

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.
If your not laughing, you have only yourself to blame.

Call off the search

It's not Just that I don't know who I am these days,
It's that I'm not even sure that I care anymore.

How it is

I'd like to tell you how this works,
But I only know how it doesn't work,
It's just like this.

But don't think I don't love you
Don't think I'm not happy with the way this doesn't work
Don't think at all, It hurts.

He Said She Said

It doesn't matter what you say,
I Love you more than words
More than feelings,
This Love is all thats left of me.

the unfortune tellers secret

Of all the things that I didn't see coming, you are my favourite.
And all those things I saw were just dreams that might never come true.
I was blinded by the light of possibility, burned by my own desire for more.
Now I'll always be here to tell you what's not going to happen.....

There is no happy ever after, after this
And I'll always forgive,
But I'll never forget you.

Don't look now

I'm watching you,
            watching me,
but I don't want you to see me,
                    so I have to look away.

But I still see you,
     in my minds eye,
  all the time,
         somedays I can't see anything else.

So Sorry

I lied but I was wrong, I might be still wrong, I might never be right, but I can't stop trying, even though I don't even know what I want.

more everything

Because this fire of longing that burns me is the only thing that keeps me from the empty cold inside.

Dishonest Indecision

So I'm back to where I started,
whispering through fingered wordscapes,
Hungry for my own way,
To make the truth feel real again.
because I was lost following all the rules I never believed in.

And it's not just that I Love how you Love me,
like all imperfect lovers I have no choice.
I long for that fire to consume me,
The words that end the need for war,
without having to decide which side I'm on.

What might has being is.

And there I was,
Not making sense.

and here I am.

and time might have moved,

but I didn't see it.

(Just hands moving across a face)
Not me nor you
as much as I had imagined
I don't even know what happiness is.

Things might have changed,

but I can't remember.

I do remember the wind,

and voices that carried me,

the tunes that stick in my head,

long after the musics gone,

I still want to dance.

I just want to dance.

until this body falls off me,

until it no longer matters,

how to use grammar,

or if I believe

in anything

or everything,

or just how much Love really feels

in me.

Life goes on with and without me.

Even If I could make it all stop,
Theres no guarantee I could get it started again.

And even if you get everything you think you want
there's little chance it's what you really need.
That it might make you as happy, as you imagine you might be,
but not sure if you deserve.

If I was made of stone, I wouldn't need to breathe
like we all do
And you wouldn't be sad
that my heart doesn't beat
and the deep still cold would sooth my fervoured Soul.

more than impossible

Just because it's impossible doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
Just because it's impossible doesn't mean it isn't true.